I Surrender

Fine.

I surrender.

I surrender self-improvement.

I surrender “fixing my life”

I surrender making small changes that add up.

I surrender figuring it out.

I surrender doing better and hoping it works.

Fine.

Fine. I’m “so smart” and “things just naturally fall into place for me” and i’m “so lucky” and I’m a “sensitive person” and whatever else takes it all away from me.

Fine, I’ll stay out of your way.

I surrender.

I surrender so that you can make art.

I surrender so that you can figure yourself out.

I surrender so you can keep your image of me intact.

I surrender so let’s talk about you.

I surrender, so I’ll stay out of your way. Out of everyone’s way.

Fine.

I will feel childish about feeling angry. I will feel embarrassed about being hurt. I will throw a tantrum, apparently.

I will find comfort in shame and victimhood and powerlessness and surrender and not in excitement and self-directedness and positive reinforcement.

I will be contemptuous of my flavor of brokenness.

I will accept my flavor of brokenness.

I will find it boring.

It will not solve things.

But maybe they’re beyond solution.

I surrender.

Fine.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.